SECRETS
by Patcat
Summary: After IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS, Alex has something to tell Bobby.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter ONE

Alex Eames sat quietly in the bar's dark corner; she could just see the dark top of Bobby Goren's head at the bar. He had gently suggested the need for drinks together after the explosions of the Garrett trial, and Alex had swiftly accepted. They chose a place far enough away from One Police Plaza to avoid running into other cops, but roughly midway between their apartments. Bobby was more familiar with the place than Alex, although they had held some post case meetings here in the past. The bar catered more to white collar than blue and tended to empty out soon after the free snacks of happy hour disappeared. The bars near One PP would just be catching their second breath about now, Alex thought, while this place was dozing.

Alex focused on Bobby. Since the revelation of her long ago and forgotten transfer request Bobby had been calm and stoic. He reassured her frequently that he understood, that the request was in the past, a minor blimp as far as he was concerned. "We really weren't even partners yet," he told her at one point. "The important thing is that you stayed."

"I should have told you," Alex told him. "Then we wouldn't have been blindsided by this."

"Eames, that request should have been hidden…and when Deakins and Carver find out who let it out, heads are going to roll…there's no reason why you should have ever expected to see it again…and no reason why you should have told me about it…you certainly didn't want to tell me about it when it happened…and after…there just wasn't any reason…"

Alex wasn't sure if Bobby's quiet acceptance made her feel better or worse. She studied him as he moved from the bar, carrying a margarita for her, some dark amber liquid fire for him. "I have to tell him," she thought. "It's probably why the staff let that…scum… in…he's going to find out anyway…and it'll be better if he hears it from me…and this is a nice neutral territory…"

Bobby placed her drink before her and sat down. "I think I convinced the bartender to make it extra strong," he said.

Alex ran her finger along the salted glass.

"Eames…it's ok…really…like I said…I'm lucky." Bobby leaned towards her to emphasize the point and was surprised when she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

"There's …something…I need to tell you…something else…"

"What?" Bobby said lightly. "There's been other times…it wouldn't surprise me…I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with…and even the best partners sometimes…Fin…the cop I used to work with in Narcotics…told me that at least every few months he considers various ways of killing his partner Munch…and five minutes later they're saving each other's rear ends." Bobby sipped his drink. "You wouldn't be human if I didn't drive you occasionally to requesting a transfer…hell, sometimes I want a transfer from me."

"This…this may be…different." Alex stared into the depths of her drink. She took a long sip.

"How?" Bobby was curious but calm.

Alex concentrated on her drink. "Has the staff at Carmel Ridge told you why they let that…that…in?"

Shadows appeared in Bobby's eyes. "No…they're looking into it…"

"It might be…" The words hurt Alex. "It might be…that another…someone else from the NYPD…might have been…"

Bobby stared at her; his mind jumping to several conclusions and not wanting to accept any of them.

"You remember that saying…"no good deed goes unpunished"? Bobby, please understand…I meant…" Alex swallowed. "My sister-in-law…the one that's a nurse…she got a temporary job at a clinic near Carmel Ridge about three years ago…and my sister and I went up to have lunch with her…and the facility where your mom is…it was only five minutes away…and…" Alex blinked; she didn't dare look at Bobby. "I didn't mean to pry or anything…I thought it would be rude not to go see her…and…I told the staff…I was a friend of her son's…" It struck Alex that her words were the same used by the private detective to reach Bobby's mother in the Garrett case. "I…just wanted…to say hello…I know…you said…she didn't have a lot of visitors…and…"

Alex's head shot up at a bang. Bobby, furiously rubbing his neck and his eyes dark, swirling pools, stood over her. And then he was gone.

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Stunned, Alex sat for several minutes trying to comprehend what had happened. "What did you expect?" she thought when her mind finally became capable of something approaching rational thought. "You tell him that you've invaded his life…looked at his most private, raw thing…and you expect him to be happy? Or even calm?" Alex took a long, deep drink; the rum burned its way down her throat. "You've betrayed him…it would have hurt less if you'd taken out your gun and shot him." She finished her drink and eyed Bobby's. "Way to go, Eames…you've ruined it…you've lost a partner…and a friend…" Alex poured Bobby's Irish whiskey down her throat; if the rum had burned, the whiskey was a raging fire. She coughed and remembered the many warnings she'd received from her brothers not to mix forms of alcohol, or at least, as one of her older brothers said, not to mix countries of origin. "Rum and Irish whiskey," she thought. "What do you get? A Brazilian who can't samba or an Irishman who can't tell a story? Wait a minute…does rum come from Brazil?"

Alex shook her head and staggered to her feet. She hadn't had that much liquor, but she hadn't had time to eat well over the past few days and she had drunk hard and fast. Alex managed to reach the bar's door and get outside; the weather had turned in a few hours from late summer to early winter. She welcomed the cold and raw wind that slapped her mind awake.

"I've got to apologize to him…at least tell him I'm sorry…that I don't pity him…it's too late to salvage the friendship or the partnership…" A sob rose in Alex's throat; she wasn't sure if she mourned the loss of the partnership or the friendship, and she forced it down. She pulled out her cell phone and began dialing Bobby's numbers. He didn't answer his cell phone or home phone; she didn't expect him to. She left short messages on both, messages that completely failed to explain the depths of her emotions. She ended both with the same plea. "Bobby, I'm sorry. Please let me know you're safe. That's all. Please."

As she called, she walked towards Bobby's apartment; it was still early for a Friday night, and the streets were full. Alex did not look forward to confronting Bobby, but felt she at least owed her likely ex-partner some sort of act of contrition and explanation. The security man at Bobby's building, a solidly built man in his early sixties that she vaguely recalled Bobby identifying as an ex-cop, called to her as she passed his station.

"Detective…Eames, right?"

"Yes…" Alex turned to speak with him.

"You're looking for Detective Goren?" Alex nodded. "He's not here…he rushed in about fifteen minutes ago…rushed out again about five minutes ago. Didn't say a word." Alex silently cursed the time she wasted in contemplation at the bar. "Headed for the garage next door…and I saw his car go by soon after that." The guard gave her a sympathetic look. "Bad case?"

Alex's heart dropped. "Yea.."

"You'll work it through…you're good partners."

Thank you," she said softly. "If you see him again…just let him know I need to hear from him…please…"

Alex stumbled blindly home. By the time she reached her apartment she was cold and stiff. No messages waited for her; she tried to reach Bobby again, and again there was no answer. Alex collapsed on her couch and tried to concentrate her mind on what to do. There was no question that when she arrived at the office on Monday that a transfer request would be waiting for her. Bobby, of course, would be utterly, completely, and heartbreakingly professional until the transfer came through. He wouldn't let Deakins or anyone know the source of the split was her betrayal. Bobby would blame his own restlessness, his own behavior, and, as much as possible, protect her and her reputation.

"Maybe," Alex thought, "it was inevitable…maybe I just put it off for five years…"

Tears began to form in her eyes. Alex knew that most viewers of their partnership probably regarded her as the stabilizing rock, the touchstone for the erratic genius. There was some truth in that assessment, but she had discovered in recent months that she leaned on Bobby Goren in unimaginable ways. He made her think in different ways and about different things; he had opened doors for her she never would have looked for. Knowing Bobby had made her a better detective and a better person. At the very least, she had to express her gratitude for that.

The phone rang; Alex jumped for it and managed to bang her knee against her coffee table. She grabbed the phone desperately. "Hello…"

It wasn't Bobby; it was her father, inviting her to join the rest of the horde to watch the Notre Dame game tomorrow. "And you can bring that partner of yours, too," he said. "I know he hates football, but we've done some more work on the Chevy."

Alex decided not to let her father know that she had removed her partner's heart, shredded it, and returned it to him. She made some excuses—the usual ones about paperwork and finishing up a case—and promised to make it if she could. She hung up the phone and stared at it to try to will it to ring.

The phone's insistent ring jarred Alex out of a deep sleep. She winced as she sat up and realized she had spent the night in an exhausted sleep on her couch. She clutched at the phone.

"H…hello?"

"Is this," a pleasant but official sounding voice asked, "Alex Eames?"

"Y…yes." Alex stared at her clock. It was 10:30 on Saturday. "Bobby," she thought. "Something's happened…"

"I'm sorry to trouble you, Ms. Eames…I'm calling from the Carmel Ridge Center, and you're listed as one of the contacts for Robert Goren…his mother is a patient here…"

"Yes…yes, I know." Alex tried not to sound desperate.

"It's nothing terribly serious…but Mr. Goren scheduled an appointment to speak with some of his mother's doctors and nurses this morning at 9:30 and he hasn't arrived. He has a record of being absolutely on time or letting us know when he can't make these…we've been unable to reach him…and thought we would try you…"

"I…" Alex tried to get the cobwebs out of her head. "I don't know where he is…we've had a very difficult case lately…"

"Well, please let him know we're trying to reach him…His mother is much better this morning…she knows it's a Saturday and would like to see him…"

Alex's heart cracked and fear rose in her. "I'll let him know…have him contact you as soon as possible."

"Thank you, Ms. Eames."

Alex sat the receiver down. "What's happened?" she thought. "What's happened to keep Bobby from…and was it my fault?"

End Chapter Two


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

He drove relentlessly, recklessly into the night, filling the car with the poetry and prophecies of talk radio. He kept the heater off and the window open, letting the freezing air pelt his face with needles of cold. As soon as he escaped from the traffic and confines of the city he turned off the multi-lane highways to find a strip of two lane blacktop. He drove as fast as he dared—and often faster—and stopped only when the need for gas or coffee or a bathroom became too strong. At his last stop at an isolated 24 hour gas station in some unknown Pennsylvania town his appearance frightened the lone clerk, a wispy twenty-something into scattering Styrofoam cups over the counter. He mouthed an apology and quickly helped the stunned clerk into gathering the cups before he headed into the men's room. He splashed cold water on his face and stared in the mirror; he could understand the clerk's fear. He was dressed in black—black boots, black jeans, black long-sleeved shirt, black leather jacket—he thought he might even have on black boxers—and he was 24 hours past needing a shave. Deep, dark circles surrounded his eyes, which were full of pain and exhaustion. He leaned heavily on the sink and breathed deeply. "No," he said firmly. "No…no…no…" He straightened up, dried his hands and face, and walked into the store. He got a large coffee and a pack of cigarettes (he had stopped smoking but it didn't seem to matter any more) and apologized to the clerk as he paid for them and the gas. The clerk, still spooked, fumbled with the change, and he told the young man to keep it. He was in the car and pulling away before the clerk realized he had just received a twenty dollar tip.

In spite of his speed and tenacity the sun was catching up behind him. More traffic appeared on the road, and he realized he would have to return to the interstate if he wanted to keep any kind of speed. As he lit one cigarette with the stub of another, he considered if he should stop for a few moments of sleep; it was possible he was becoming too tired to drive. He could stop by the road and grab a nap. He had no luggage, no maps, no CDs, only the clothes on his back, his wallet, and his gun. He had stopped at his apartment only long enough to shed his suit and throw on the clothes he now wore. He had abandoned everything else, including his cell phone. He had nothing…nothing…it was all behind him in the rising sun. He was so lost in his thoughts that he missed the sign indicating the nearest interstate; he checked his mirrors and the road and smoothly made a U-turn.

The flashing red lights appeared in his rear view mirror a few seconds later. "Oh," he said flatly and pulled over. As the state trooper approached his car, he dropped the visor and pulled out the car registration; he pulled out his wallet and withdrew his license, his police id, and his gun registration.

"I'm sorry…I missed the sign for the interstate…" He handed the forms to the cop. "And I'm carrying a piece…the registration and my id are there…"

The trooper's eyes narrowed for a moment and then his shoulders relaxed as he surveyed the documents. "NYPD, uh?" the cop said trying to disguise the fact he was impressed. "Detective. You're a long way from home."

"Yea…I needed to get away…"

The young trooper tried to maintain his professional composure, but his finger ran over the details of the ID card. "You made a U-turn back there."

"Yes…like I said…I missed the turn…but it's no excuse…"

The cop handed back the documents. "Look, I'm at the end of my shift…there wasn't any other traffic…and you're not being a jerk about it…we'll forget it…"

"You won't get in trouble…" The driver slipped his license and ID back in his wallet.

"I'd probably get in more trouble if I gave you a ticket…" The young man gave him a quick grin. "Just be careful…and you might want to think about getting some rest…you look beat…"

"Thank you…very much." The driver seemed genuinely grateful.

The trooper waved as he walked back to his car. The driver let him pull out first, and then carefully eased out on the road. The police car made a right turn in front of him, and the driver blinked his lights in recognition.

The sun was up now and bathed the air in a soft golden glow. It was promising to be a gorgeous late fall day, cool and crisp with warm sunshine, and the trees in the area were a riot of orange, red, yellow and gold. He lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply. "I can't get away from it," he thought. "It follows me…but I could have left the id and gun behind…hell, I've even still got my badge with me…maybe I don't want to leave it…or can't." He drove over a bridge, and it occurred to him that a simple turn into the concrete would end his problems…or a simple pull of the trigger. He drove on, finally arriving at an entrance to the interstate; the sign's arrows pointed west to Ohio, east to New York. Robert Goren sat in his car and tried to decide where to go.

End Chapter Three


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four SECRETS

Alex spent the rest of Saturday morning furiously cleaning her apartment and making unanswered calls to Bobby. Around noon she called his friend Lewis, and was at least able to leave him a message. She finally decided to go to her family's gathering, and managed to avoid their questions by spending most of the time with her nephew. But she couldn't escape Bobby even while playing in the backyard; her nephew kept asking for "Bubby" and looking confused when his aunt grew sad. Although she loved her father's three alarm chili and wanted to get lost in her family, Alex couldn't face their questions, gentle and concerned as they might be. She left in the early evening and tried calling Bobby again as she headed into the city. Again, there was no answer, but she did manage to get hold of Lewis, who hadn't heard from Bobby in over a week.

"That's not unusual," Lewis said. "We can go for weeks without talking to each other, and then you can't split us up. But I'll check around with some other people." He tried to press her to discover why she was concerned, but Alex managed to convince him that it was simply a bad case. She tried Carmel Ridge in hopes he had finally gone to see his mother. The young nurse who answered her call told her politely that Mr. Goren had not been there, and the staff was somewhat puzzled. "He's such a good and gentle man…he's so patient with his mother," the nurse told her. Alex asked how Mrs. Goren was, and the nurse responded that she was doing better, but her doctors were discouraging any visitors other than her son.

Alex parked her car and entered her apartment. There were no messages, no sign that her partner had made any attempt to reach her. "Ex-partner," Alex thought. It had never been so dark, so cold; Alex had never felt so alone and sad, even after the death of her husband. "After all," she thought bitterly, "I didn't cause that." She considered calling Deakins, whose frequent promises of support she knew were genuine, but Alex had no idea what she could tell him. "Captain, I visited my partner's sick mother and messed up his life and now I'm afraid for him and me," did not seem a particularly coherent statement to Alex. She tried to consider where Bobby might have gone, to form some sort of apology to him. Her apartment walls began to crowd her; the furniture and trinkets became huge obstacles; the many photos mocked her. "I've got to get out of here," Alex thought, and she grabbed her coat and keys.

She walked without thought. It was a beautiful fall evening, the leaves creating a crisp and colorful blanket on the ground. As the sun set, Alex drew her coat closer to her; the night promised frost. She wasn't sure why or where or how long she walked until she found herself in front of Bobby's building. "Maybe he's back," she thought and entered the building. At this hour on a Saturday no one was at the security desk. Alex fingered her keys and found the one Bobby had given her early in their partnership. It was the gesture that convinced her that he finally and completely trusted her. "I need to get that back to him," she thought, "and all his stuff that's wound up at my place." She entered the elevator for the longest ride of her life.

As she walked from the elevator to Bobby's apartment Alex's mind flashed back to another awful walk, the one she took down a hospital corridor to the room where her husband lost the battle for his life. At least, she thought, at that time other officers and her family surrounded and supported her and she wasn't responsible for firing the bullet that shredded her husband's internal organs. She reached Bobby's door, squared her shoulders, and knocked. There was no response, no sounds from inside the apartment, and she knocked again. Again, there was no answer, and Alex took a deep breath, pulled her keys from her pocket, and unlocked the door.

"Bobby?" she called into the dark. She moved cautiously into the apartment. There were signs of Bobby; his dark overcoat thrown over the couch; his suit and dress shirt tossed on the bed; his shoes thrown on the floor; papers scattered on his desk; but the apartment appeared abandoned. Alex turned on a light and began a more methodical examination. With a growing sense of dread she discovered that only Bobby's leather jacket, wallet, and gun appeared missing. His few pieces of luggage were still in the closet, and all of his clothing seemed still in place. His cell phone lay forsaken on his desk. His answering machine blinked with messages; for a moment Alex debated further intruding on Bobby's life, but finally reached for the machine. "I can't make it much worse," she thought.

The machine contained her messages, each more tense and concerned. There were the calls from Carmel Ridge, each more puzzled and concerned. There were two from Lewis, each asking where Bobby was and telling him Alex was worried about him. But no sign that Bobby had heard any of them.

Alex sat in Bobby's desk chair and considered her next move. He had effectively disappeared, and Alex's mind flushed with fear. Had she yanked away his last beam of support? She knew that Bobby feared schizophrenia but also recognized that depression was a more likely and dangerous enemy given his background and profession. "No," she thought. "He wouldn't…couldn't…suicide…no…but he's told me he understands why…"

She rubbed her palms into her eyes until great red splashes filled her vision. "Oh, Bobby," she whispered. "Please…please…"

Her cell phone rang sharply. Alex grabbed it; she didn't recognize the number. "Hello?" she said tentatively.

"Is this Detective Alex Eames?" an official but polite voice asked.

"Yes."

"Detective Eames, I'm Sergeant Walter Mickels of the Pennsylvania State Police…I understand that you're Detective Robert Goren's partner?"

Alex gripped the phone tightly. "Yes, sir…is there anything wrong?"

"Detective Eames…I'm sorry…."

End Chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Alex, her heart pounding, followed the solid and stocky form of Sgt. Mickels through the narrow halls of the small hospital. Mickels was almost a parody of a small town cop--buzz cut graying hair, a slight paunch, no-nonsense attitude. His eyes had narrowed when he first saw Alex at the tiny airport, but Alex was considerably relieved when Mickels quickly demonstrated his sum was far more than his parts. He readily admitted that Alex wasn't quite what he expected, giving her the impression that instead of a small blonde he was expecting a large brunette, but he was compassionate without being pitying and efficient without being calloused.

The hospital was only five minutes from the airport, so there was little time for small talk. Mickels quickly told Alex to let him know if there was anything he could do for her or Bobby, handed her the numbers of several nearby hotel rooms, and gently deposited her in the care of Bobby's doctor. The doctor was an impossibly young woman with a beautiful English accent and skin the color of polished wood, and Alex briefly wondered what brought her to this corner of the world.

"Thank you for coming, Ms. Eames...and so quickly. I hope your journey wasn't too difficult."

"Not too," Alex replied. "A little bumpy..." In truth, the last few hours had been some of the worst of her life. Immediately after learning of Bobby's accident, she contacted the only person she could think of to handle the situation. In spite of Alex's efforts to control her voice, Deakins instantly recognized the tension and fear in her voice. He didn't press her for details--such as just what the hell Bobby Goren was doing in the wilds of western Pennsylvania--but simply gathered the few details she had and set in motion the wheels that in a few hours had delivered Alex to this brightly lit, cold hallway. Before dropping her at the airport, he had expressed his regrets that he couldn't accompany her.

"Let me know what's going on, Alex...and talk to me...ok?" Deakins was firm but gentle.

"Mr. Goren is in here," the doctor said gently and opened the door.

The room was dark apart from the lamp just above the bed. Light streamed over Bobby's pale face; the dark stubble of his beard stood in sharp contrast to his white skin. There was a large bandage on the left side of his forehead and a large bruise on his left cheek. He was asleep, but his eyelids fluttered, and even at rest he seemed exhausted. Alex's heart splintered as she looked at him.

"How bad is he..." she asked, surprised that she was able to utter a sound.

"A nasty but small cut on his forehead...some bruises on the left side of his body...we don't think he got a concussion but he may have been unconscious for a little while...The trooper who found him said he was fading in and out...apparently he kept mentioning your name...when they brought him in here he kept saying that you understood and could help him..."

Alex winced, but the doctor's attention was fortunately focused on Bobby.

"There doesn't seem to be any serious damage...Mr. Goren appeared to be suffering as much from exhaustion and a lack of sleep as from the accident...but we still had to give him a sedative before he would get to sleep...he was very apologetic...and didn't want us to call anyone...your card was in his wallet and you seemed to be the only contact...I'm sorry if we troubled you..."

"No...I'm grateful...thank you..." Alex stared at Bobby. He looked so vulnerable, so young, so fragile."Will he be ok?"

"I believe so...I think we'll be able to release him on Monday...we've kept him mostly for observation..."

"Do you know what happened?" Alex asked.

"The police think he might have fallen asleep at the wheel...his car isn't that damaged...it seems to have just rolled off the highway into the side of the bridge..." The doctor carefully adjusted the IV in Bobby's arm.

"Can...I stay with him..." Alex asked.

"Of course...and, as you can see, we're not full...you can grab a nap in the bed here if you want...we're pretty informal about some rules here..."

"Thank you," Alex whispered.

The doctor left, and a few moments late Mickel's substantial frame entered.

"I understand he's going to be all right," he said, nodding towards Bobby.

"Yes...thank you for all you've done...I've only heard a bit from my captain..."

"It's all right...what you do for a fellow officer..."

Alex felt an enormous gratitude for the great brotherhood of cops. "I know..." she said. "I come from a family of cops..."

Mikels smiled. "Yea...my dad was a sheriff...one of my brothers is a lieutenant in Pittsburgh and my daughter is at the state academy right now."

Mickels studied her for a moment. "Detective Eames...I don't mean to snoop...but do you know why your partner was here?"

"I..don't know," Alex answered, but she thought, "Yes, yes I do...he was running away from his partner who betrayed him..."

"Not a case? If there's something going on that a NYPD detective is looking into..."

Alex shook her head. "No...I think...he might have been just getting away...we had a very bad case..."

She looked at Bobby. "Do you know what happened?"

"The trooper who found him...good young cop, by the way...said he'd stopped him on a state highway in the morning...Detective Goren had made a U-turn...the officer said he was very apologetic, didn't ask for any favors and only identified himself as a cop to explain why he was carrying his piece...the officer didn't give him a ticket...but did tell him he might want to get some rest...strange thing, though..."

Alex turned to look at Mickels.

"The officer said Detective Goren was headed west...and seemed to be looking for the interstate so he could get going that way faster...but the accident...looked like he was headed back east..."

End Chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

His mouth was full of very dry cotton, and a very large man with a very large hammer pounded on his skull from inside his head. Bobby Goren tried to raise his head, and a rush of additional pain and sickness rewarded his efforts. His left hand found something that felt like silk, and he discovered the sleeping form of Alex Eames, her head resting on his bed, the rest of her body in a chair next to his bed. His fingers twirled in her hair; "Alex," he whispered.

And then he remembered; remembered the corrupt judge and the attack on his mother. Remembered the trial and Alex's torment. Remembered her terrible confession and his flight. Wincing, Bobby pulled his hand away from Alex and pushed it against his mouth to stifle his cries. Responding to the movement and noise, Alex stirred but didn't wake. Tears welled up in Bobby's eyes.

Alex had done nothing to warrant any criticism or attack from him. What had she actually told him? That she had tried to help her pathetic partner by taking the time to visit his sick mother? This was Alex Eames, after all, his partner…his friend, who was incapable of an evil act, who stuck with him, protected him. All she had done was visit a lonely woman whose son was terrified someone might discover his vulnerabilities, his shame. And what had he done in response? He ran away; he became his father and ran away. He shoved his fist tightly against his mouth. He had begged them not to call her, to drag her from so far away. But they had called her and she had come. Of course she came—this was Alex, so good, so pure, so unaware of her partner's weaknesses. Bobby fought off the sobs rising from his chest and fell into an exhausted sleep.

A gentle but unknown voice woke him. The large man with the hammer still pounded the inside of his head, but the hammer was a bit smaller; the cotton remained in his mouth, but his stomach seemed willing to entertain the idea of some water. Bobby blinked, and found a young nurse looking at him.

"Good morning, Mr. Goren. How do you feel?"

"Not too…horrible…" Bobby glanced around the small room, but saw no sign of Alex. Had he dreamed?

"If you're looking for Ms. Eames, she left early this morning to check on your car. We didn't think you'd be awake quite so soon." The nurse adjusted his bed and offered Bobby some water. He drank the blessedly cool liquid quickly.

"Could I…" Bobby asked shyly…"use the bathroom?"

The nurse helped him out of bed; Bobby rose and walked unsteadily, but managed to make it to the bathroom. While there, he took the opportunity to step in the shower—he suspected the nurse would have said no if he asked—and let the hot water pound his aching body. As he scrubbed his body, Bobby tried to decide if he was happy that Alex's presence was real and not a dream. He was comforted that she was there—he was always glad of Alex's presence—but dismayed that she had been forced to get to—where was he exactly, anyway?—and to take care of him. Bobby leaned against the tiles and struggled, not very successfully, to keep his tears from mingling with the water. When he finished, Bobby was surprised to find boxers, a T-shirt, and jeans carefully placed on the sink counter. "Alex," he thought. "Alex brought them." It meant that Alex had returned. Bobby slipped on the clothes and tried to steel himself before he opened the bathroom door.

Her back was to him as she placed his discarded clothes in a plastic bag. Her hair shown in the sunlight, and Bobby fought against the impulse to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness. Instead, he cleared his throat.

"Hey," he said softly.

Alex hesitated for a moment, and glanced over her shoulder at Bobby. The strain and exhaustion in her eyes and face pierced his heart. "Hey yourself." She pointed to the table beside the bed. "Your stuff is there…except for your gun…the hospital staff had to lock it up…" She continued to sort his stuff. "They're going to dismiss you soon…but only because I promised to go with you…"

Bobby squeezed past her to get his wallet. "You…don't have to do that…"

"Please, Bobby." There was an obvious strain in her voice. "It's the only way they'll agree to your leaving…they said you shouldn't drive…"

Bobby took refuge in the mundane. "How bad is the car?"

Alex was glad of the refuge. "Not bad, actually…looks better than you…The left front fender is banged up…and the driver's door won't open…but it's safe and it drives…unless you want to leave it and take your chances here."

"Might be better than facing Lewis," Bobby muttered, and, for the first time in the conversation, Alex faced him.

"Thought I saw his handiwork," she said.

"We…sorta worked on it together," Bobby answered. "I mean…I did what he told me to do and tried to stay out of his way."

Alex gave him a weak smile. "Well, I'd welcome the chance to drive it, even if it's not a hundred percent. If we get out of here before noon, we'll be back in the city before it's too late…" Her face darkened. "That is…if you want…"

"I want to go home," Bobby said quickly.

Even the best plans—and these certainly weren't among those—are subject to failure, and it was late afternoon before Bobby and Alex were able to escape. First, an accident in the area occupied the attention of the hospital's staff so that Bobby's release was delayed; then Mickels, accompanied by the young, slightly star struck trooper, insisted on buying them lunch (both Bobby and Alex felt their gratitude outweighed their need to get back to New York and that Mickels deserved to be reassured that Bobby's presence was a fluke and not some investigation); and, finally, the mechanic who had performed the quick first aid on Bobby's car insisted on asking Bobby several questions about its restoration. Fortunately, no one seemed to want to know what Detective Robert Goren was doing several hundred miles from home with no luggage and no seeming destination, or if they did, they did a splendid job of hiding their curiosity.

Once they were finally on the road, Alex found the silence in the car claustrophobic. "I've got to apologize to him…but how…and how are we going to survive several hours of this?" she thought as she clutched the wheel.

"It's a beautiful car, Bobby," she eventually said.

"Yea…Lewis was pleased with it." Bobby continued to stare out the window. "I should call him…let him know what to expect…and…my mom…"

Alex concentrated on the road before she answered. "Lewis knows…I…I called him this morning…and Carmel Ridge…"

"Call everyone in my life, Eames…" The fact that Alex expected Bobby's anger didn't lessen the blow, and she snapped back at him.

"Couldn't do that, Goren, since I don't know many people in your life." She glanced at him and felt both a pang of pleasure and pain at his visible wince. "Carmel Ridge called me on Saturday, Bobby," Alex said in a gentler voice. "I did call Lewis…I was worried…"

There was a long pause before Bobby responded. "Lewis…probably furious…"

"Actually, he was more worried about you." Alex shot another look at Bobby, who was staring at his hands. "But that may have been because he wanted the pleasure of whacking some sense into you himself."

A smile briefly crossed Bobby's face. "Deakins know where we are?" he asked.

"Yes…although none of the details…like why we're here," Alex answered.

"I'm not sure I know why we're here," Bobby replied. Another period of silence descended in the car.

It was, at least, a beautiful day, and enough leaves remained on the trees to provide Alex a pleasant memory of the day when her parents would pile the Eames horde in the family car for leaf viewing tours.

"How…how…is…my Mom?" Bobby's soft, hesitant voice broke in on the silence.

Alex continued her concentration on the road. "Good…much better…" She paused, not wanting to burden Bobby with more guilt. "She missed you on Saturday…"

"I…I should call…"

"You can use my cell phone…if it has a signal in all of these hills…"

"Thank you….Eames…Alex…I…I'm grateful…and sorry…" Bobby struggled with the words.

"It's…it's ok…I'm sorry…too….Oh, Damn!"

Bobby shot a look at Alex and then to the road where he found the source of her frustration. Traffic was slowing to a crawl, and he could see a mass of flashing lights just down the road.

"I don't think we're going to make New York before it gets dark," Alex said with some frustration.

End Chapter 6


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

By the time they were once again moving at a decent speed and headed in the right direction, Alex's head pounded enough that she wished for one of the heavy duty pills the hospital gave Bobby. It had taken a half an hour to reach an exit to escape the interstate; another half hour to get off the ramp; another hour to crawl through a small town, its rush hour traffic swelled by the diverted cars. Then Alex either misheard Bobby's instructions or he read the map incorrectly (to Bobby's credit, Alex had to admit that he confessed quickly that, between the pain medication and his exhaustion, he probably made a mistake), and they took a wrong turn on a wildly curving road. One mark of Alex's stubbornness was her refusal to ask for directions, and it was only when Bobby agreed to request the information that she agreed. As it was, she stayed pumping gas into the car while Bobby entered the small station to betray his gender. He emerged bearing two large coffees, several brands of painkillers, and a slight smirk.

Alex slid into the car and gratefully accepted the coffer, chose the Advil for her headache, and said, "So, what're you smiling about?"

Bobby slipped into the passenger seat and took a sip of coffee. "Clerk gave me a hard time for asking directions…and letting you pump the gas…I pointed to my head and insinuated I got this in a fight and the other guy looks a lot worse."

Alex made a point of squealing the tires as she pulled out. Bobby grinned—the first genuinely happy expression Alex had seen on his face all day.

"So, where do we go?" Alex asked.

Bobby studied her for a moment. "You look beat, Alex," he said carefully. "And we can't make it home tonight unless we drive into the morning…why don't you let me drive…"

Alex kept her eyes on the road; there was still some light, but it would soon be night, and the weather was turning wet and raw. "I'm not letting you drive with those pills in you, Bobby."

"We'd look stupid trying to explain to Lewis how we managed to have two wrecks…"

"Let's stop then…get a couple of rooms…get some sleep…then get a good start tomorrow…"

"Ok," Bobby said, and Alex guessed from his quick surrender that he was far more tired than he appeared.

Even with the clerk's reasonably good directions, it took another hour to find the interstate. The entrance bore several fast food restaurants, gas stations, and a representative of an inexpensive hotel chain. Alex pulled in, and they soon had adjacent rooms.

"Here," Alex handed Bobby a small backpack, "I stuffed some clothes for you in there…I think there's another change and your toothbrush." She pulled her own overnight bag from the car.

Bobby took the bag. "Thank you," he said softly.

They moved silently to their rooms; they appeared to be the only guests. "I need to talk to him," Alex thought, but before she could gather her courage Bobby was already opening the door to his room. He hesitated for a moment, and Alex both feared and hoped that he would speak to her.

"Thank you…again…good night, Eames." His voice was flat. Bobby shut the door.

Alex bit her lip and entered her room. She had pulled out what she needed from her bag and inspected the bathroom when she realized she was horribly hungry. She had no desire to leave the room and called down to the front desk. It didn't surprise her that the hotel lacked room service, but the desk clerk was happy to recommend and order a pizza for her.

"It's pretty good," he assured her.

"You do marketing for them?" Alex asked.

The clerk chuckled. "Well, one of the owners is a cousin…"

The signal on Alex's cell phone was still weak, so she used the room phone to call Deakins and explain where his detectives were. He was clearly concerned about Bobby, but he didn't press Alex for an explanation, and Alex lacked the heart and energy to tell him that by tomorrow he would have a transfer request on his desk. As she hung up the phone, it occurred to Alex that Bobby was probably starving too. She took a deep breath and dialed his room; the steady buzz of a busy signal filled her ear. "Probably calling about his mom," Alex thought, and she sat heavily on the bed.

"I didn't mean for this to happen," she thought. "I just wanted to visit his mom…give her a new face to see…I'm supposed to be an intelligent person…how could I not realize how much this would upset him…that it was a horrible invasion…"

A soft knock at the door disturbed her thoughts. Alex wiped her eyes, grabbed money from her purse, and went to the door. She opened it to discover Bobby Goren standing before it. One hand rubbed his neck, and he stared down at the floor. He looked lost and alone.

"I…I'm sorry, Eames." He wouldn't look at her. "I…I…owe you…"

Alex's heart bled for him. "Come in," she said. "I've got a pizza coming…I was just about to come over and ask if you wanted some."

He allowed her to pull him inside, but walked over to the window.

"I'm sorry, Bobby." Alex decided this might be her last chance. "I had no right...it was a terrible betrayal...worse than that request..."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "No, Eames...it was a...gesture... of kindness...the betrayal was my thinking...thinking you could do anything to hurt anyone...let alone me..."

There was a knock at the door.

"Damn," Alex said. "We keep getting interrupted..." She was torn between laughing and crying.

Bobby gave her a rueful look. "I'll get us some drinks."

They sat quietly eating the pizza for a few moments.

"The desk guy was right," Alex said as she examined a slice. "It's pretty good."

"Helps that we're starving," Bobby said.

They were nearly through when Bobby spoke again. "Eames...Alex...when you saw my Mom..." His voice was hesitant and weak. "How...how was she?"

Alex finished crushing the pizza box before she answered. "I...visited four times...just while my sister-in-law was working near there...the first time they...they said she wasn't up to seeing anyone...I'd brought some flowers...and just left them..." Alex thought if she could avoid Bobby's eyes she might be able to get through this.

"The second time...they let me see her...she was on a porch...I introduced myself...and she seemed to know what I was saying...but it seemed...she seemed to be at the end of a long tunnel...or underwater..."

"The meds do that a lot," Bobby said softly.

Alex nodded. "The third time...was really good...she didn't remember me, but she knew me...she knew I was your partner...she took me to her room...and she showed me all these pictures...she was especially proud of the one where you and I were with Mayor Giulani..." Alex sat on the bed across from Bobby. He was staring at his hands; she leaned forward, fighting against the impulse to touch him. "She was so proud of you, Bobby...so proud...she said you were a good son...a good man...she was so proud of everything you've accomplished...that you were so intelligent...she was worried about...your work...that you couldn't find anyone...I saw...I saw that a lot of the good things about you...came from you..."

Tears tumbled from Bobby's eyes. Alex reached forward t touch him, and he jumped to his feet. For a moment he feared he would run away, but he began pacing.

"What," his voice cracked. "What happened the fourth time"

Alex stared at the floor. "I couldn't see her...they said she was very bad...that she was convinced her son was part of a conspiracy...and that anyone connected with him..." Alex flipped her hair back. "My sister-in-law got another job...and I meant to go again...but the only time I really could go was when I knew you would be there...and I didn't want...want to hurt you...and I didn't know what to do..."

Bobby stood, his back to Alex. His shoulders shook.

"Bobby," Alex said as she stood up. "I didn't...please...believe me...I wanted to...just help...I...never want to...ever...and I keep hurting you..." She reached to touch him, and he flinched. Tears brimmed in Alex's eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know...it's just that...so many people have hurt her...they don't understand...and...I...have such confused feelings...I love her...but I...sometimes I'm ashamed...I...just...I don't know what I felt...I know you...you're the one person...I can trust...I TRUST you...still...I'm sorry I ran away...it was all too much..." He gulped. "This last episode...all those pictures...she tore them from the wall...broke the glass...she told me that...she hated me..."

He was crying now, the sobs beginning to shake his body. Alex reached up to wrap as much of herself as she could around him; this time he didn't fight her. He turned and fell into her, dropping her on the bed.

End Chapter 7


	8. Chapter 8

There is a more explicit version of this chapter if anyone wishes to contact me.

Chapter 8

Bobby fell to his knees; Alex sat heavily on the bed and cradled his head in her arms.

"Alex…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" he gasped between sobs.

Alex cried too. "I'm sorry too…Bobby…please… forgive me…" She hugged him tightly; Bobby responded by clutching her.

"She…it's been years…since…my Mom told me…" The words jerked out of him. "Told me that she loved me…that…I was a good son…she thinks…that I keep her locked away…that I keep my brother away…she tells me…that she wasn't sick until I came…it's what my Dad and brother used to tell me…she didn't…she always told me I was wanted and needed…until a few years ago…I know it's the illness…but…it's so pathetic…grown man…needs to hear his mother say she loves him…but…" He turned his tear soaked face towards Alex. "She was so good…when she was well…you saw some of that, didn't you, Alex?" His dark eyes pleaded with her. "You saw her goodness…her intelligence?"

"Yes…yes, I saw that." She tried to hold him, to let him know through her touch how much she cared for him, how much she….she loved him. "Like I said." Tears still streamed down Alex's face, but she managed to choke out the words. "The good I saw in her…I see it every day in you."

"But…what if I share…more than that with her? What if…I become…like her? What if she's right…what if…I am a monster?" His voice was broken by sobs and muffled in her arms.

Anger rose in Alex; anger not directed at Bobby, but at anyone who had ever made fun of or tormented or ridiculed or used him. Anger at his father, his brother, the NYPD, even his mother—ill as she was—and especially at Alex Eames.

She gently lifted Bobby's face. "Bobby, you are a good man…a good son…a good friend…and…and…I love you."

And she kissed him.

The world exploded. Alex was stretched on the bed, Bobby pressing down on her. Every point where he touched her created heat. He returned the kiss, his tongue rough and gentle in seeking admittance to her mouth. Alex could barely breath; it was not just that Bobby overwhelmed her physically, it was that his obvious need for her in every way was so great. His need exalted and terrified Alex; no one, including her late husband, had ever needed her so much and in so many ways. "What if," she thought, "I can't do this…I can't…" Her body and mind hesitated.

Bobby sensed her fear, and he broke the kiss. He hovered over her, suspended on his arms and knees, his eyes dark and questioning.

"Bobby…please," Alex pleaded. She reached for him, desperate to renew their contact.

Bobby turned his head, and Alex cupped his cheek in her hand. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. He opened his eyes and pierced Alex's soul.

"Why?" he asked.

Alex stared at him; her mind failed to function in the midst of her yearning for Bobby. "Why what?"

"Why are you doing this?" Bobby fought his own battles in his mind. One part of his head screamed at him. "What are you doing? You idiot! You love this woman…this wonderful, intelligent, tough, beautiful woman…you've loved her since you knew she was going to stay…you've wanted her since you saw her…she's giving herself to you…she just told you that she loves you…some genius you are…don't think…just…just…"

Alex raised her body and pressed her forehead to Bobby's. "Because…I love you…"

Everything Bobby had experienced rejected this simple explanation even as it answered his dreams. "No…no…" he muttered. He broke from Alex's grip and stumbled from the bed. He began to pace relentlessly in front of the beds; a puzzled and hurt Alex sat on the bed.

"Bobby…please…why is it so hard for you to believe I love you?"

He spun to face her, and Alex suddenly and terrifyingly knew what it was like to be a suspect facing Bobby in the interrogation room.

"Are you sure it isn't pity?" Bobby spat out the last word. "Pity for your poor partner…with the sick mother…the father who abandoned him…the weak brother? Because of guilt…that you were going to abandon him?" Struck by the shocked expression in Alex's eyes, Bobby stopped and jammed a fist into his mouth. "Oh God…Alex…"

"You're what? Sorry?" Alex jumped from the bed and stood between Bobby and the door. "You can't run away so you'll try to drive me away?"

Bobby considered trying to run over Alex, leaping over the bed, or turning and breaking through the balcony; none seemed an acceptable option. He blinked and found Alex standing as close to him as she could without touching him.

"Why do you find it so hard to believe I love you?" Her voice was calm and gentle.

"Because…you're…you're…you…you could…should…have anyone…do anything…you're good…I'm…I…"

"A good, gentle, intelligent man." She touched his cheek.

Her pull was too much. Bobby let his face rest in her hand. He feebly offered his last resistance.

"Work…your career…"

"What about you? Yours? If you're willing to risk it…so am I…"

"I…can't promise you anything, Alex…certainly not what you deserve…" It was his final, desperate tactic; Alex smacked it away as if it were an annoying insect.

"I don't want anything…I want you…you…I deserve you…you…"

His defenses shattered, Bobby wrapped his arms around Alex.

"I've loved you since the day I knew you weren't going to leave…no, that's when I first allowed myself to know that I loved you…" The words poured out of him; his warm breath fluttering in her hair. "I loved you from the moment I met you…but I didn't dare…"

Alex reached for the edge of his T-shirt and lifted it; he raised his arms and bent to let her pull it over his head. He was suddenly bashful.

"I'm…a little…"

"Pudgy?" she said laughing and then pulling him down to give him a deep kiss. It was Bobby's turn to feel overwhelmed and lost; when he regained some of his senses, he was lying on the bed with Alex's grinning face hovering over him. At some point the blankets and sheets had been pulled back.

He was in a haze—a wonderful lavender and Alex scented haze. It was a dream…no, it was real…he was resting against Alex's smooth soft skin…it wasn't a dream. Bobby settled on his side next to her and pulled her to him.

"You're beautiful," she whispered against his shoulder.

"Beautiful is totally inadequate to describe you…there are no words in any language to describe how…what…you are…" Bobby murmured in her hair. He kissed her shoulder; the moisture on her body was salty and sweet.

Alex trembled and blinked; tears came from her eyes. Bobby gently brushed her eyes with his thumb; Alex did the same, and their hands came together. He reached for the sheets and blankets and pulled them over their bodies.

"I love you…thank you," he said.

"I love you…" She let her hands touch his face. "No more secrets?"

He gave her a tired smile. "Well, no big ones…and we have to keep some mystery, right?"

She kissed him, turned, and curled against him. His arm curled around her, and they slept.

The End


End file.
